Are you ready to find love - everything you need to know before dating.

What you need to know before dating in general.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord

Proverbs 18:22

I had walked out of yet another bad relationship, and even though I had nothing good to miss from the old relationship I felt so confused, lonely and out of tune with the ideas I had planned out for my life. I was concerned with the way my life wasn't going plan and that was probably the biggest mistake I could make. But that didn’t stop me from meditating on that thought and idea repeatedly. It was getting tough and I was letting fear rule my life. I sat down and thought to myself; ‘Who is this nice, caring and supportive and still manages to be single’?

Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks... NUNS!

Only people who were nice, caring, supportive and single were nuns. I’d heard that God has different plans for people and some people could spend their lives single. Had that been God’s plan for me? I tried to accept it. I tried not to let the thought upset me. I did not need a reason to be angry with God. I was already struggling to accept the idea that I was not going to marry my first boyfriend who was supposed to be loyal, supportive and thoughtful but instead he was self-serving, egotistical and unfaithful.

I knew that I would always want God in my life, and his plans are always best for me. I would learn to accept it if I was meant to be single all my life. So, for the first time in my life (and that is not the way you want to seek God), I knelt down and sought the all-knowing counsel of the Almighty God.

“Lord, I just want to know if your plans for me include finding a husband.” I said in a whisper. I was kind of embarrassed to ask, and I was scared I would not like the answer.

“Oh, the plans I have for you are greater than you can imagine. You are going to be so happy –” He began to explain.

“Awesome. So, is that a yes? Because what would make me super happy is knowing that you selected a great guy just for me.” I interjected.

“Yes, I know that, but you have to...” He tried to explain, but I was up from my knees.

“Oh, thank you Lord. I’m going to get right on it.” I said wiping the tears from my eyes, and I was gone. (The facts to this story may be fuzzy but it gets the point across)

A lot of us work that way. We seek God in our time of need, in the lowest moments when we hunger for companionship and then we find those few scriptures to lift our spirits, not bothering to find out the rest. And because of that we hop from one relationship to the next in search of a grand plan with no wisdom. We think that trial and error will produce desirable results but the cost is something we only find out in the end when we broken, sad and used up. God restores all things but sometimes at the end of the road, we are so battered up we do not even have the strength to ask Him to help us. We never think about the anger, bitterness and mistrust that we breed in our lives as we move from one unsuccessful relationship to the next.

After another failed relationship, I realised that the trend would not stop, and I would need to stop thinking of love as a separate life to my reality. You see, most of us fall into a routine where we seek love because we believe it is a magical trance in which everything goes well and we “feel” loved all the time, and when our lives get terribly stressful we can retreat into this love-life and everything will be fine - it's a place where we do not have to feel any pain. So, naturally when we find that thing we desperately want to call love, and it does not meet our misguided expectations, we immediately check out and look for the same thing expecting different results.

As a result, before I re-entered the world of love, dating and everything that comes with it, I had to learn about love. The bible talks about how God is love and that to me is a good starting point. Everything points to our Creator, and when you are tired of your own attempts to bring yourself joy, you must think about reading about love in action. By looking at the Word, you get to learn about how love operates. After a while that love takes root in you, and all your selfish desires begin to take a secondary position and the shocking part is you will be happy.

I stopped asking the world to give me someone who can meet my ideal (and frankly unrealistic) wants and learnt to pray for guidance for the partner for whom I would be the best. I found out the shocking truth that not any man would do and my love for him would not fix him up. I learnt that men and women were not created to be the same, but through their incompatible differences they would, through Christ, be the perfect support for each other.

I learnt that when the burning fire God put within us is kept in the fire place, it can warm up homes but once it is taken out of that intended space it could burn down a house. I also learnt that love is an act of will, even Christ with all His great love for us had to find the will to die on the cross for our sins because He had realised that the onus was too heavy on His human body. Yes, I learnt all that from putting my agenda of finding a man aside.

Then I took the next step. I learnt the most amazing power of loving myself. I managed to meet myself and think, “Wow, you’re so beautiful and talented. I hope it’s not too forward if I ask you to join me for breakfast”. I learnt that I deserved a special breakfast and a special lunch just ‘because it’s Tuesday’. I found out that being ignored did not mean that I was not interesting but my interests are things that I can use not to only make my life more fulfilling but they also can be used to touch other people. Who knew that eating lunch in the company of someone who loved me was infinitely better than sharing a lunch with someone who I had to work to impress.

When the day finally wound to an end, it was refreshing to know that I could sit with God and lay down my burdens and know that tomorrow was safe in His hands (a priceless habit you can only develop when you can give God undivided attention). I washed the make-up from my face and looked at a gorgeous face holding all the insecurities and self-doubt. Even still I could receive the power of the heart-felt words, “I love you” from my own mouth.

After spending a night with myself I could wake up in the morning and whisper excitedly “Good morning, gorgeous!” I learnt being single was not the worst thing that could happen, contrary it was the most important thing that I could be in my Christian walk. I realised that once I stop being single, I cannot work for God. It would never be my personal work for God; it would be OUR (my partner and my) life in God’s hand and that hidden piece of knowledge made me cherish every moment of my singledom.

It sounds as though the only thing single people are told is how to find a partner and join the many unprepared couples in the world. So, instead of thinking of this time of your life as the period of loneliness, learn to find ways to find fellowship in Christ.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Romans 12: 2

Some people like my friend Josie* have the first spot in their heart for Christ. She had fallen in love and been hurt, but God had healed her. She was my best friend and I had tried to help her through her heart break hence why I was surprised that she had not told me that she was even into online dating. I looked at her and wondered if the constant pressure of having non-single friends, very publicly affectionate parents and too many clichéd movies had finally taken the toil on her. She looked at me and smiled. As though she had read my mind, she answered my unasked questions.

“It was funny. I wasn’t even into this online dating thing, but I was looking for some online community to fellowship as a way to distract me from Facebook and then I was sucked in.” She said as her gaze fell to her hands. “It was the feeling of these people logging on to find love and I thought I’d log on and help them learn about a more special kind of love.”

“So, you met him through a Christian Online Dating site?” I asked, my throat drying out with panic.

“Err,” she let out a small giggle. “Yes, I guess I did.”